Where will it all end?
From DnDWiki
Contents |
[edit] When things go wrong
"Communal living is the longest most expensive personal growth workshop you can take”
Chris Hanson. The Cohousing Handbook 1996
During 20 years of writing about communal living in the pages of Diggers & Dreamers we have sometimes been accused of painting a somewhat glossy rose-tinted view of communal living. People have urged us to tell it like it really is: warts-and-all. It is always a delicate balance between sharing the positive aspects and pointing out the pitfalls. We don’t want to put people off by cataloguing stories of personal dismay and communal disaster - but they do happen. We thought it was worth looking at where the journey of communal living can lead – for both individuals and for you as a group.
When things go wrong for you personally
Those living in intentional communities have the same pattern of personal ups and downs as other people and the communal setting that these take place in can either provide a supportive environment in which to come to terms with them, or can sometimes feel like being in a goldfish bowl with everyone around you observing your trials and tribulations as you take part in the latest episode of some alternative soap opera.
Possible causes of problems are the same for all of us, and include personal relationships – with partner, others or children, and 'outside' influences such as parents, children, job, lovers etc.
In the end these things can bring you to a point where the option of leaving the community seems the most simple/desirable/easiest thing to do – and many people do leave as a result of personal or interpersonal conflict. But others stay and try and make things work possibly leaving later for entirely different reasons.
[edit] Conflict resolution
This is a stub. Money, diet, children, pets..... the opportunities for conflict in communities are endless - if you have experience of creative ways of dealing with disagreements and arguments within your group or know of techniques and processes that could be useful to any group experiencing conflict then do stick them here.
Here is a link to a Wikipedia page on a tool called Nonviolent Communication which may be useful in not only conflict resolution but also preventing conflicts from arising in the first place!
[edit] Joining and leaving
Leaving
At one time when considering new members we used to be on the look out for couples who were trying to give their shaky relationship one last chance by joining a community. We thought this was bad news and that we would end up picking up the pieces after an inevitable relationship breakdown. This would result in one if not both of the couple leaving anyway leaving a trail of emotionally exhausted members in their wake. Looking back I can see that we were being a little harsh and judgemental – communal set ups can be relatively safe places for relationships to split up, not just for couples coming in but for long term members. – if you can stand seeing your ex at breakfast that is.
Another common scenario that leads members to leave is finding a new partner either from within the community, but more often outside it – then leaving to set up home with them – with the communal living having acted as a sort of very laid back dating agency providing an easy way to get to know people – this may seem a strange and unintentional role for communal living to be playing, but there is not much that can be done to stop it and I say why not.
The following notes could be expanded to give a broader view of some issues around leaving:
Some people find it hard to be around once they have announced that they are going to leave. May seem like people leave suddenly……….
The following are notes that need expanding on.
People leave when they can – children…… money………
Ease of leaving – rent or buy in
Leaving well - local supportive network
leaving badly
Growing up and leaving
Growing old and leaving
Knock on effect of one person after another leaving – nightmare of being last communard standing
People who leave and then return.
Why did you leave? (& would you do it again?) (trial leaving periods?)
Why do you stay?
When things go wrong - Be prepared – things will not go to plan at sometime in a communities life, even if everything is hunky dory when you join circumstances will change people will change – you will change.
legal structures and secondary rules as safety nets - there is no substitute for clear written agreements.
Successful conflict resolution can = good communal glue.
“We fell in love, then we fell out both times without a net.” L.Wainwright
External sources of conflict
More notes which need expanding and making readable!
Bruderhoff – ultimate persecution by Nazi’s…………….. repeated upheaval across continents
House in Multiple Occupancy –problems with building regs / fire regs
Low Impact Communities – Planning threats
Media attacks – more prevalent on communes in 1970’s & 80’s and whilst cohousing groups can get positive press coverage witness the treatment of traveller groups and anyone caught attempting low-impact living without the requisite permissions. “There but for the grace of the goddess………”
Internal sources of conflict The following are notes that need expanding on. See Creating A Life, Diane Christian Leafe, p206….
Red Therapy…..
Problems of high turnover
Interpersonal dynamics/personality clashes
Community Kryptonite
Money / Kids / Food / Standards / Politics (Poll Tax, hunting)
What can you do when it all goes pear-shaped ?
“I view conflict as a naturally occurring phenomenon in a healthy group. As such the problem with conflict is not so much that it occurs, but that we generally haven’t learnt to work with it well. Mostly we respond with attempts to coerce, intimidate, manipulate, outvote, submit, exit or fight.” Laird Sandhill, Once more with feeling, Communites Directory 2000 Collective Housing Handbook p73
After years of relying on loose policies and expectations, Community Alternatives, a Canadian community set up in the late 1970’s decided that they wanted to more explicit in their agreements:
“ So we ended up with a Respect and Responsibility Code – ‘Community ODE’ as we call it to get away from the ‘Code’ word. The ode outlines seven areas of respect including physical and territorial boundaries, emotional and verbal differences, personal and material diversity, and our differing approaches to community. And the seven areas of responsibility include attending community meetings, open communication, attending work parties, doing chores, working on planning teams, maintaining financial responsibility, giving information regarding one’s personal situation which affects the community, and dealing with serious violations of the Ode. This document didn’t just appear out of the blue. For over a year one member who was experiencing an emotional breakdown got into conflict with several other members. He came through it, agreed to go into therapy, and is still with us. But as a result, an ad hoc committee worked on the above respect and responsibility guidelines, presented them, and after several meeting we affirmed them. There is some concern that they could become ‘Your not OK’ weapons. We’ll see.”
Jan Pulman. Love Puddlers and Social Activists. Shared Visions Shared Lives 1996
I would like to offer a few suggestions for individuals and groups who wish to put more humour into their lives and conflicts. Patch Adams Humour as a Tool for Conflict Resolution. Creating Harmony. 1999, p 229
AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION ... In spite of the “lightning rod” phenomenon, there are times when, for good reasons, a group may wish to ask an existing member to leave, or may identify characteristics in potential new members that might indicate a high risk of their generating later conflict. The sense of community and connection that a group of people can cocreate is both valuable and vulnerable. It is the responsibility of each member who values the community to nourish and protect it. There may be a conflict between nourishing and protecting: nourishing can mean bringing in new fertilizer new members with new perspectives, enthusiasms, and energy); protecting can involve not accepting risky new people. Each community must find its own balance point between risk and safety. This balance point may change over time, as the needs and strengths of the group vary. At any given time, a group’s physical and interpersonal resources are limited; choosing carefully which people (and how many) to try to integrate can make the most efficient use of these limited resources. In my experience, “red flags” for high risk occur in potential new members who:
o have not gotten their financial trip together before they come,
o want to get away from it all,
o expect that living in community will be easy,
o must have everything they want in terms of physical comfort, work assignments; and so forth soon after joining the community;
o have few or no ongoing connections to family; friends, or people from their previous living and working arrangements,
o appear to be-”hiding from themselves,”
o lie or steal,
o blame everybody/everything else for their problems and/or failures, are looking for authority figures to rebel against.
Community Member As ‘Lightning Rod' by Harvey Baker
The following are notes that need expanding on.
Sabbatical Building social change communites p67 Shared visions –p47 Community Alternative Canada Lucys stuff from living in Utopia The End of Community How do community’s end? Little Grove – orderly wind up after trying to start anew….. (case study) Kollantia orderly wind up with equity shared out amongst members….. (Talk to Lorna) Lifespan to Townhead – chaos and rebirth Prempanther to Beech hill –
People may come and go but community goes on forever ?
A Look at three of the longest surviving uk intentional communities may through some light of where a community may end up if it survives the trials and tribulations of the years……
After 50 yrs Braziers Park has seen the slow demise of its first generation of communards – set up in 1957 as a ‘socialist educational centre’ at a cheap location within easy reach of London over the last few years it has faced the double challenge of finding a new generation of members whilst raising the not inconsiderable finance required to upkeep their now grade1 listed strawberry gothic home a burden that somewhat undermines some of the groups original purpose. (Talk to Braziers about this) A challenge which has led more than one member to consider whether selling up and moving to a more affordable location would not do more to further the aims of the group than ………… an idea that is probably easier to contemplate than to put into action –see stuff on what is a successful community?
Whiteway in Gloustershire now a somewhat quirky village on the edge of the Cotswolds started life as a Tolstoyan Anarchist commune back in 1898 (see Joy Thacker) From its early commutarian beginnings Whiteway has been through almost every communal permutation that we might dream of ………………today they are a ‘mature’ community , stable…… would take more than. even a major falling out among members to threaten the communities existence Though a penniless anarchist would have difficulty getting a plot today. And if you ask them for a tip on longevity they may say that it was the decision of the founders made after a long deliberation on how to reconcile the belief that property is theft with the need to purchase property to set up the community to spike the deeds on the end of a pitch fork and ceremonially burn the evidence of ownership………… despite legally challenges this has meant that no-one owns the land on which Whiteway stands and it is therefore next to impossible for it to be sold. And whilst this has had the unintentional outcome of excluding poverty struck 21st century anarchist from getting a plot it may just have been the key to a century of community life based of decidedly different principals than those prevalent in the world around them.
Half way across the country close to the A1 in East Yorkshire is another community with a history almost as long as Whiteway’s. Whilst The Brotherhood Church a Christian anarchist group shared similar roots to their communal cousins in the Cotswolds growing out of radical movements in and around Croyden at the turn of the 20th Century. After a brief period (10yrs) in Leeds they settled on x acres (rough comparison with ww for size) and tried to live by the precepts contained in the Sermon on the Mount. Whereas over in the Cotswolds the years dulled much of the radicalism of the communities early years in exchange for stability and growth – at the Brotherhood Church they still hold to their original radical Christian beliefs though possibly at the expense of the stability and growth. ……………
The following are notes that need expanding on.
Communal history can appear at times to be littered with heroic failures ……. (See UB) and writers quote figures of 9 out of every 10 fail to even get off the drawing board, or should that be dreaming board. Figures from D&D – embryonics etc……………
Secular vs religious longevity What has size got to do with it? German sociologists stuff on longevity and group structure……..
[edit] Unintentional outcomes
This is a stub. Sometimes things happen that were never intended when a community was set up: Affordable housing becomes completely unaffordable over time, a new membership strategy results in a loss of members, a guru led community evolves into an egalitarian anarchist cooking collective! If this has happened to you please tell us about it.
[edit] Demolition
This is a stub. In the end the walls may well just come tumbling down. If you survived then tell us what happened and if there is life after communal living.
[edit] Recycling
This is a stub. And after THE END comes the begining again. Well sometimes out of the ashes a pheonix community rises from the communal ruins and once again the sound of happy voices are heard. If this is you... tell us more.
Lifespan to Townhead – chaos and rebirth
Prempanther to Beech hill
